Over the Rainbow
by QuizzicalSphinx
Summary: Original STAR TREK meets THE WIZARD OF OZ. Short and very very silly. PG for one or two curse words that I've already forgotten, and an instance of Glenda the Good Witch getting smacked on the rear.


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Space . . . the FINAL frontier . . .

These are the voyages of the Starship _Enterprise_. Its mission: to explore strange new parodies, to seek out new wisecracks and new satirization, to boldly go where no crossover has gone before.

KIRK **(voice-over)**

Captain's log. We are currently in orbit around an unknown planet, somewhere in the mysterious quadrant Lama Phi Baum. Mr. Spock, Dr. McCoy, one extra non-ranking crew member wearing a red shirt, and myself, are preparing to beam down to the surface for a more thorough investigation.

****

(KIRK, SPOCK, MCCOY, and EXPENDABLE LAD beam down in the midst of a tidy blue village. They find themselves surrounded by timid but well-meaning midgets, three of whom approach them, each brandishing a lollipop.)

MIDGETS **(singing)**

"We represent the Lollipop Guild, the Lollipop Guild, the Lollipop Guild . . ."

MCCOY

What the hell?

MIDGETS **(still singing)**

"And in the name of the Lollipop GUIIIIIIILD . . ." 

KIRK

Phasers on kill.

****

(An explosion. Where once stood the representatives of the Lollipop Guild, there is now only a patch of smoking, blackened earth. The other midgets run away, shrieking. Calmly, SPOCK scans the smouldering circle with his tricorder.)

SPOCK

Fascinating.

KIRK

Spock and McCoy, come with me. We'll scout around these daisies. Ensign, you go off by yourself and check out the area over there, where all those mummified human corpses seem to be scattered. Report immediately if you see anything unusual. All phasers set to kill; those little blue guys could be hiding anywhere.

EXPENDABLE LAD

Aye-aye, sir! **(After wandering only a few steps away:) **Captain! Over here! I've found something! **(Gurgling scream)**

****

(KIRK, SPOCK, and MCCOY rush over to discover what looks to be dog turd that has spent the past two days in a microwave set to high.)

MCCOY **(as if he never suspected)**

He's dead, Jim!

SPOCK **(brushing aside the ensign's ashes with his shoe)**

Fascinating.

KIRK

What is it, Spock?

SPOCK

It appears to be some sort of primitive road system, composed entirely of some yellow indigenous rock.

MCCOY

A . . . a yellow brick road? What kind of monsters would build such a thing?

KIRK

Spock, what do you propose we do?

SPOCK

I suggest that we . . . **(slight pause) **follow the yellow brick road.

MCCOY (incredulous)

__

Follow the yellow brick road?

SPOCK

Follow the yellow brick road.

KIRK

Follow?

SPOCK

Follow.

KIRK** (incredulous)**

__

Follow?

SPOCK

Follow.

MCCOY

Follow the yellow brick road? Spock! Are you out of your Vulcan mind?

(Suddenly a chorus of midgets burst from every house, rock, and bit of foliage; with gay, glad hearts, they begin to sing.)

MIDGETS

"Follow the yellow brick road, follow follow follow follow, follow the yellow brick road . . . ."

****

(An explosion. When the dust settles . . . )

KIRK **(checking his communicator)**

Our communicators aren't functioning. We seem to be getting interference from (pointing upward) _her._

****

(They look up. Circling several hundred feet above their heads is a bent old woman straddling a flying Dirt Devil vacuum cleaner.)

WICKED WITCH **(voice-over from above)**

I'll get you, my pretty! And your little dog, too! Ah-hahahaha!

KIRK

The exhaust from the vacuum is spelling out words, but I can't quite make them out.

MCCOY **(slowly)**

Sur . . . surrender . . . . "Surrender Dorothy"? What the hell is that supposed to mean? Damn, I could use a drink.

SPOCK

Perhaps if we followed this yellow brick road, we might reach an area of low interference, which would enable us to contact the ship.

MCCOY

Well, what the hell?

(**FADE OUT.)**

(FADE IN to KIRK, SPOCK, and MCCOY approaching a large green gate.)

KIRK** (voice-over)**

Captain's log. The three of us have continued down the so-called "yellow-brick" road. At last we seem to have reach civilization. However, after years of safe, rarefied, mechanically generated atmosphere of the_ Secondprize,_ the suspiciously crisp clean air and unnaturally green and fertile countryside seems to have had some adverse effects on Spock, McCoy, and myself . . .

MCCOY

What in the devil's name is _that?_

SPOCK

Apparently, an archaic defensive device known as a "fortress"--composed entirely of the rare Terrestrial mineral called "emerald."

****

(They draw closer. On the gate is a large sign: BELL OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE KNOCK.)

KIRK

Bones, knock on the door.

MCCOY

I don't wanna! I'm scared!

KIRK

All right. You knock, Mr. Spock.

SPOCK

Knock? Why, I . . . I don't know how. What's "knock"?

MCCOY

Dammit, Jim, why don't you open it?

KIRK

Somehow, I just don't have the heart.

MCCOY **(screaming like a little girl)**

Oh, my God! What are those hideous things flying toward us?

SPOCK

Don't look at me.

****

(They are descended upon by a horde of flying monkeys that look suspiciously like Klingons in beanie hats and motorcycle jackets.)

MCCOY

__

ARGH! Get 'em off of me! Get 'em off of me!

KIRK

Mr. Spock, set your phaser to kill!

SPOCK

What's a phaser? Which one of us is Spock?

****

(KIRK attempts to zap Flying Klingon Monkeys with phaser. Phaser shorts out.)

KIRK

I suppose I'll have to choreograph a fight scene. Damn it! Why does everything have to be so hard?

****

(KIRK throws lame, girly punches at all the Flying Monkeys, missing them all by miles. Nevertheless they topple like bowling pins. KIRK then sings a twenty-minute-long accappella rendition of "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds," grabs woman in a micro-mini who has materialized on the scene and kisses her passionately. He tosses her to one side and wipes his mouth in disgust.)

KIRK

Somehow my heart wasn't in that at all.

MCCOY **(who has been hiding with his ass sticking out of a bush)**

Is it safe to come out now?

SPOCK

Duh, what just happened?

(A little man in a green velvet coat comes out of the gate and bows before KIRK.)

MCCOY **(running around in circles, flailing his arms as if he's being attacked by a horde of wasps)**

A circus midget! Get it away! Get it away!

KIRK

Shut up, you smeghead.

GREEN MAN

Greetings, sir. The wizard has decided to hear your requests.

KIRK

Wizard? What wizard? All I want is to get back to my ship.

GREEN MAN

And you, my pointy-eared simpleton?

SPOCK

Gee, you got a pretty coat. My mommy says that next year I'll be able to go to algorithm school with all the other little Vulcan boys. Do you have a mommy?

GREEN MAN **(to MCCOY)**

And you, sir?

MCCOY

Why does everybody have to keep scaring me? Why don't you just leave me alone?

GREEN MAN

All right, the great and powerful Wizard has decided that you are all morons, but he's going to grant your wishes. But you must bring him the broomstick of the Wicked Witch of the West.

MCCOY

Wicked witch! No! What if she turns us into mice or . . . or toads or . . . makes us do sci-fi convention signings or something? 

SPOCK

I like mice.

KIRK

Ho-hum. I suppose I _could_. Although I don't really _feel_ like it.

SPOCK

Does this witch live in a cookie house?

GREEN MAN **(rolling his eyes)**

Okay, now the Wizard says that he doesn't actually care if you kill the Witch, as long as you all clear the hell off his planet.

SPOCK

We're on a _planet?_

KIRK

Not that I really care, but I think we need our communicators to work and stuff before we can, like, leave your planet.

GLENDA THE GOOD WITCH **(suddenly stepping out from behind a rock)**

No, no, silly Captain. The powers you have sought were inside you all along. **(She lays her hand gently on MCCOY'S arm.) **Dear Doctor, you do have courage. In fact, deep down inside, you're really a bitter, scotch-swilling, loveless old bastard.

MCCOY **(slapping GLENDA'S hand away)**

Bitch, keep your mitts off of me! Where's my bottle?

GLENDA **(to SPOCK)**

And Mr. Spock, you do have a brain. Your years of repressing memories of a difficult biracial childhood and a cold, unresponsive father have resulted in a spontaneous regression in order to allow you to express your hidden sensitivities.

SPOCK **(sobbing)**

Dad! Oh, why didn't you ever hug me, Dad?

GLENDA **(to KIRK)**

And you, Kirk. You're nothing more than a doughy delusional has-been far past the end of your fifteen minutes, trying to hold on to your glory years by dumping swill on the ravenous fans of a pathetic loser of a seventies' science-fiction rip-off.

KIRK

Oh, God, it's all true! I'm washed up! Look at my gut!

SPOCK

Thank you, good woman, for your startling revelations. But tell us, how may we return to our ship?

GLENDA

You merely raise your communicator to your lips, press the button and say, "Spock to bridge: beam us up."

  
MCCOY **(speech slurred, occasionally taking swigs from a bottle) **

Well, shank you there, li'l lady. It's been a real honour t' make yer acquaintances, an' I'll be sure t'recommend all my friends to yer fine hotel . . . **(Gives GLENDA a hearty smack on the ass.)**

GLENDA** (to SPOCK)**

Please! Just leave!

KIRK **(in the distance, still raving)**

And my hair! It's coming out by the handfuls, look at it! Whoever heard of a bald Federation captain?

SPOCK

Dr. McCoy, will you do us all the favour of tranquillising the captain?

MCCOY

Dammit, Spock! I'm a doctor, not a . . .. **(Pauses in realization, then, sighing, removes a hypodermic syringe from his medical pouch.)** I'll get right on it.

****

(FADE TO BLACK)


End file.
